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Monday. 1.18.10 10:18 pm
the truth is, i'm not doing that great.

i put up this facade, as if to say, everything is perfectly fine.

really, though, this has been a pretty difficult experience for me. i've gone from being in a long term relationship to a mutual break up to the break up being my fault to not even speaking to my ex in the span of two weeks. i didn't know this was possible.

this isn't the way things were supposed to be. i thought she wanted to be friends. doesn't she see how unreasonable she is being? everyone else does, whether they tell her or not.

it doesn't make sense for my ex to control me after we break up. we had a "talk" about me hanging out with a certain someone, and she said that it wasn't a good idea (she has her own motives). i said "thank you for your concern" and went about doing my own thing anyway. i don't have to listen to what she tells me. she doesn't understand the relationship i have with this certain someone. my ex takes me for a far worse person than i really am.

i wish that that didn't bother me, but it does. i shouldn't care what my ex thinks. she says she wants to be friends, yet, she calls me crying and practically asking for help with dealing with our breakup. how fucked is that?

now, granted, it only happened the first week. after our "mutual" break up, it turned to it all being my fault, and now she doesn't want to even talk to me or be around me for... what now? i'm not sure. we aren't dating anymore, and she's the one who wants to be friends, since she's leaving for the marines in a few months.

is she just looking for an excuse not to talk to me? i think it's okay for exes to not want to talk to each other or see each other for a while. i'd take it as far to say that it's the standard. but there's no reason to be so fucking angry about it. if you need space, then you need space, and that's all there is to it.

i want to be friends, and be able to hang out, but she's not having it. apparently she doesn't have the ability to turn me into something i'm not. then again, i'm not the kind of person that would tell someone that i consider to be one of the closest people in my life to "get the fuck out of my house." that's what she turns me into.

she may or may not read this. i don't know if i care. i really wanted things to be cool. i tried so hard for that to happen, but she's throwing such a fucking fit over nothing.

the last time we talked, she barrated me about so many different things, i didn't know if i was arguing with my friend, or with my ex girlfriend. "what are you doing with her? i thought we talked about this." "you're going down a bad path." "so what, is she prettier than me or something?" "you never call me to hang out."

i'm sharing all of this with you, nutang, so i can get some help. what am i supposed to do now? just, nothing? i haven't the slightest idea. i really wanted the friendship thing to work out. i didn't want to lose her from my life. i thought she felt the same way, but it's becoming more and more apparent that that was a lie...

oh, and p.s. - would you say that it's appropriate to let someone of the opposite gender lay their head in your lap right in front of your significant other? i feel like this is a big issue, even if he IS "like family." especially when she wouldn't even let me put my arm around her.

whatevs. here's to moving on.

cheers.
6 Comments.


No advice from me, mate. Sucks.
» middaymoon on 2010-01-18 11:15:38

if you want to bad mouth me across the internet whatever. but you haven't even tried to "be friends". you could always try to TALK to me about what's bothering you, but seeing as how we are where we're at now because you couldn't before, i don't imagine you'll want to do that. the reason we can't be friends right now is because you insist on putting the whole failure of our relationship on me. you're not willing to take any of the blame for your mistakes. if you want to be friends we need to talk first, try to see things eye to eye. you're going to have to be the one to come to me since you emphasized how important my friendship still was to you. i tried to save our relationship, but you made it clear you were completely done with me, if you still want a friendship it's your turn to try and save something.
» nickalinkos on 2010-01-19 02:05:39

Its going to be tough no matter what you do or how people act. You guys dated for over three years and even if you still stand by your decision to go your separate ways its still going to be difficult because its going to change your life completely. You're going to have more time for yourself and its probably leaving you at a loss of what to do from time to time because you're use to spending all that time with her. And the fact that things are no longer going so smoothly between the two of you makes it all the more challenging to not be bummed out. Hang in there, pal. It'll get better with time.
» SporadicFunk on 2010-01-19 09:16:27

RE:
yeah, i see where you're coming from and good point. i just have a tendency to get caught up and say things in the moment that i really dont mean, especially if i'm angry. and i'd rather not have people take it as an attack. if that even makes sense, haha.
» emilyography on 2010-01-19 02:52:41

Thank you.
They're actually from a musical I was in. Joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat. Have you heard of it? The lyrics related to something that happened recently. But I wanted it to be private.

» inhuman on 2010-01-19 07:53:26

Hey, that sounds really hard, I hope things get better. I had a break up once where the first time we talked about it, the break up was mutual, but then after a couple of days it was very clear that it wasn't at all and that he was really hurt by it. I guess when we first talked he was just taken by surprise and hadn't had time to think of what he was going to say. When he finally did, he was very hurt and angry and sad and even though we had talked about being friends before that he didn't want anything to do with me all the sudden and wouldn't let me near him and ordered me out of his room and everything. The thing is, there are a lot of emotions going on here and like any kind of grief everything goes in stages, like denial, anger, sadness, and acceptance. My advice is to be available for talking, but not too much, to be kind and not take the bait and say anything hurtful, to not hang out very much, and to be clear that this whole thing is not about that other certain someone at all, but about the two of you. Eventually you guys might be able to be friends, but almost nobody can be friends like that right away, and you really probably shouldn't call each other to hang out, you can just start out by doing your best to hang out at random group events without freaking out. But yeah, you might be really hurt by what she says and how angry she is, but I'd say suspend your judgment and just wait it out, and if you can do that without giving in and saying something really unforgivable, then you guys actually have a chance of remaining friends later on. There is my long-winded response. Good luck!
» Zanzibar on 2010-01-21 09:25:08

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