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david the gay penguin.
Tuesday. 12.22.09 3:42 pm
here's a random story i wrote today.

if i was going to cast people to play the roles of the characters in this story, then here is what they'd be:

Gregory - Michael Clarke Duncan
Brian - Andre Benjamin (aka Andre 3000)
David - Perez Hilton
Patrick - Patrick Demsey
Flying Saucer - Judy Dench
Giant Sea Squid - Mr. T
Ursula - Pat Carroll

okay. this story is really stupid, but i tried to cover as many genres of stories as i could. so it's for everyone. enjoy:

David the Gay Penguin.

Gregory, a fierce male emperor penguin, was keeping his egg especially warm this winter, showing off to all the other male penguins that he could keep his egg the warmest.

“My son will be the biggest, baddest penguin there ever was!” said Gregory.

When it was warm enough, he would use the egg to do curls. That’s just a side note.

When time came, Gregory’s egg began to hatch.

“Aww yeah!” yelled Gregory. “My son David will be the most awesomest penguin ever, and all will fear him!” The egg began to crack. There was a weird noise coming from the egg. Gregory leaned in a little closer, and realized that there was some sort of music coming from the egg…

“What is that?” Gregory’s friend Brian asked. “Is that Abba?”
“NO WAY!” exclaimed Gregory, “THAT HAS TO BE ZEPPELIN, OR METALLICA.”
“No, I think it’s Abba.” Brian said, calmly.
“IS NOT!” said Gregory, simultaneously punching Brian in the ‘nads. Brian fell over and pain, and, in fact, died on the spot.

The egg cracked more, and more, until finally David, Gregory’s son, burst from it, singing show tunes from Mama Mia! the musical.


“OMFG” Gregory said. “You are not my son.” Gregory wound up his left flapper to slap David right across the beak, but David dodged the slap with his jazzy feet, and gallivanted away into the sunset, following the aurora borealis through the night, until he came across an elephant seal named Patrick.

“Why hello, Patrick!” David said, mightily gay.
“How did you know my name?” said Patrick, in a very confused tone.
“Oh!” said David, as he began to dance circles around Patrick, singing various tunes from “Aida” and “Rent.”

“I like your style.” Said Patrick. So, then, Patrick became gay as well. Defying the laws of physics, David and Patrick held hands and danced off into the night.

The following morning, David found a sharp stick and thrust it into Patrick’s left eye.

“YOU AREN’T MY REAL DAD!” yelled David.
“AHHHHH!!!!” yelled Patrick back. “My good eye!”

David then used the stick to pierce Patrick’s broken heart. Patrick was killed instantly. He fell onto the ice with a thunderous thud, and to celebrate, David danced, and sang various tunes from “Grease.” Then he ate Patrick’s carcass, or as much as he could, at least, until he had his fill.

Just as he was wiping his mouth of sweat and seal blood, David noticed a flying saucer slowly passing overhead. Being a penguin, David naturally flew up into the air and followed the saucer. Soon after the saucer became aware of its tail, David and the flying craft proceeded to have an epic four hour Star Wars-esque battle, complete with real lasers and laser sounds. It ended when David used the force to shove a missile straight up the saucer’s ass, causing immense sexual pleasure to the saucer, and also causing the saucer to explode.

Once David landed safely, he decided to go for a swim. Little did he know that the Giant Sea Squid from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea was waiting for him.

“OMG!” David exclaimed, as the sea squid grasped him with a huge pink tentacle, “I’ve never seen one so big before!”
“THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!” yelled the squid. The giant squid was about to bite off David’s head, when out of nowhere Ursula from The Little Mermaid appeared, and turned the squid into a starfish, which she promptly stuck up her snatch.

“Wow” said David, “How can I ever repay you?”
“Well, my little darling,” began Ursula, “You only need to give me something that belongs to you.” Ursula looked David up and down, and realized that she didn’t really want much of anything that belonged to David. While Ursula wasn’t paying attention, David swiftly grabbed hold of Eric’s ship, and steered it right into Ursula’s belly.

“NOOOOOO!!!!” she yelled as she deflated like a balloon, and flew all around the ocean, again, like a balloon.

In celebration, David, of course, began dancing, and singing various show tunes from “Cats.”

Then he pulled out his .45 and shot himself in the head, in gay victory.

END

-------

i don't care if you don't like it.
3 Comments.


freaking. epic. It gets better every time I read it!
» SporadicFunk on 2009-12-22 04:06:34

RE:
Hahaha. I'm sorry for being selfish, sank. and the "error" is the title, but it's actually spelled right.
» middaymoon on 2009-12-24 12:23:38

I enjoyed your story.
What kind of Zune did you get?
» middaymoon on 2009-12-26 12:13:19

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